Mr Text - the final chapter....

So, as 2012 draws to a close, I have decided to put a lot of things to bed that are unhealthy and draining in my life, especially Mr Text.

Now you’ll remember that I had deleted his emails and texts in the vain hope of moving on? Well he came into the office again and we had the most awkward conversation yet – terribly polite, not daring to look one another in the eye. And of course, as suspected, he texted me after he left the building:  ”FIT!”

I told him the ‘friends’ thing was clearly not working and that it would have to be ‘cold turkey’ for a while. Which I thought was going to be the end of things, but then another guy we work with throughout the year suggested Christmas drinks...with him and Mr Text. I felt I couldn’t say no, but thankfully Mr Text cancelled last minute and I didn’t have to go.

Then last night I got THE texts of the century....
 

“You being free this afternoon filled my head with very naughty thoughts....ref cold turkey, you are a fabulous girl and very very very sexy. I feel if we met up for coffee, I’d SO want to...you know what! You are worth more than that and although I would never presume anything would happen, I do find you very attractive. I never use people as would hate that the other way round but could never envisage leaving the children...”

Swiftly followed by...

“That said, if you DO fancy a coffee later, maybe we could be tame and chat??!! Entirely up to you.”

Needless to say, this left me angry, swearing at my phone. Basically, he would be happy for me to be his whore but nothing else?!

So I sat and thought about things for a while and realised I had to remove him from my life entirely. I can never be his friend and those months without him contacting me I hardly thought about him.       

I am enjoying getting out a lot socially at the moment, extending my circle of friends and doing a little kissing with TC (see ‘Sexting’ blog – yes, we have met and yes, he comes up to scratch in the locking lips department!!)

So I composed myself and sent him the final message I would ever send him.....

“I don’t really get what you want from me or what you want me to say. I don’t think I can be your friend and I should never have allowed myself to care for you. I hope you have a lovely Christmas and would prefer it if you just contact me for work purposes from now on”.

There. I said it.

This morning I deleted his number from my phone and that, is what we call progress.

I feel empowered and am positive that next year will be MY year. I will finally get the recognition I deserve at work and let down my guard enough to let someone love me, as much as I desperately want deep down and deserve.

 

 

2013 - it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me...and I’m feeling gooooooooooooood!!!!

Time is a healer?

During my time as part of an online community in the early noughties, I was blessed to meet a wonderful man – N. He started to date a close friend and when we finally met, I knew I had met a friend for life.

Bubbly, raucous, honest and giving, this man knew me inside out. There was never anything sexual between us, just an affection and affinity I had never experienced before and have not since.

He was my trusted advisor on men, pointing out my (many) mistakes, my flaws, the path I should be taking and my partner in crime – together we were the life and soul of every party. Until 8 years ago when he was cruelly taken away from me.

I found out online via a post from his grief stricken partner. I called her and we cried together…I wanted to hold her so tight, but couldn’t. She had come home from work to find him collapsed on the floor at their home – a brain haemorrhage – there was nothing anyone could have done. He was 22.

Even now, 8 years on, I still miss him like crazy. I have thought on so many occasions ‘I wonder what N would have thought of….’ and gone to contact him. He missed my wedding, the birth of my daughter, my marriage breakup and everything since.

His funeral was one of the hardest things I have ever had to sit through. The church was absolutely rammed with people paying their respects and I felt so proud and honoured to have been a part of his life. As I lent on my two best male friends to hold me up, “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” by Green Day came on and I realised I shouldn’t be sad – he really did have the time of his life and so did everyone who knew him.

Tweeting and meeting....

Eleven years ago, as part of an online community, I had no qualms going along to meet ups with tens of people I knew only by avatar. Looking back, meeting up with people I didn’t know was a bit silly but I am also glad I did.

I met some wonderful people because of it, some of which I dated, two of which I lived with and one was even bridesmaid at my wedding! Despite the fact we have since moved all over the country, I remain in contact with a lot of these people and know when we meet again, it will be like nothing has changed and time has stood still.

Why then, when I recently agreed to meet more people from Twitter, did I suddenly get nervous? Age and numerous life events have done something to my self confidence and I don’t like it!

I have met a few lovely people from Twitter already but these bigger meets left me feeling nervous before I had even started! Would they like me? Would I live up to their expectations or be a big disappointment? ‘Whirlwind’ as I used to be known, had well and truly lost her whirl!

I decided in the end to be brave, face up to these unfamiliar fears and try and extend my circle of friends. I have now been to both a local and a London ‘Tweet Up’ and have met some truly wonderful people from all walks of life.

Years ago we would never have met and now down to the wonders of technology, anything is possible. Most people have been exactly the same in real life as their ‘alter egos’ and I am glad I took the opportunity to meet them face to face.

Now I just need to find myself a decent man – although rather than looking for Mr Right, I am all for Mr Right Now!!! ;-)