You've come a long way, baby....

Failure. Not the usual word that I would associate with myself, but that’s how I recently felt.

So let’s back track a little and I can explain…

As the new school year started, I felt the need for change. My baby was going into Year 2 and I had hit a kind of stalemate in my job in Events Management, where I had been for 5.5 years. Since I started there I had always been part time…almost full time but not quite, and I thought I was ready for a new challenge. Full time.

I applied for a few roles and eventually got offered a position at a country retreat, working for a big hotel chain. Sounds great but in reality, the biggest mistake I have ever made. The place was somewhat akin to a cult, everyone conditioned with this weird kind of branding and company ethos, turning them into a zombie flock of promotional sheep.

After 6 weeks I noticed a huge change in myself. I was short tempered and angry and I was taking that out on the two people closest to me.  I felt a rubbish mother, as I hardly got to see O and had to miss out on things because of the amount of hours I had to work. I couldn’t even pick her up from after school club, as I would still be working, which broke my heart. I also felt a rubbish girlfriend, with both of us frequently in tears.

I had initially thought this would be good for all of us – I would move on to a new era in my career and at last be part of a company where I could learn and grow, but this wasn’t the case. So I made a decision, a hard decision…to put my family first.

Since making the decision, I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have never felt as unwelcome in a job in my life and will not miss the frosty reception and rolling of eyes when I make a mistake one little bit.

I waved goodbye (read, made a hasty exit!) just before Christmas and will this week be happily moving back to my old workplace, but this time in a different position – I will be working less hours than now and earning less money, but I will be working with a lot of people I have built up professional relationships with, so shall have a head start with my new venture!

The last 6 weeks have certainly been a learning curve but I have realised O will only be little once. I want to enjoy a healthy work/life balance, enjoy being a mother and enjoy life in general once more.

I have a wonderful daughter, an amazing boyfriend and now a fantastic opportunity to look forward to you. Compared to this time last year, life is now pretty much the opposite and I feel blessed.

I wish you all a happy new year. xx

Lucky number 13

Hey readers, how are you all? It’s been a while hasn’t it? I feel I should provide you with an update since my last blog in the summer………

Well, I am still with Mr Slow Burner and not only that, we are in love AND now live together. I know. I. KNOW. Me?! I am still pinching myself, believe me.

I am so glad I gave him a chance, as he is the best thing to have ever happened to me, O aside and I feel, as cheesy as it sounds, that I have been waiting for him. We have a mutual love of performing and the arts, which is how we met, so I feel this only helps to strengthen the bond between us.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been plain sailing. Moving in together was hard, but only because we are adjusting to life as a little family. O has been testing, but has taken to him more than I could ever have hoped, which of course, is a huge relief.  

We have just spent our first Christmas together, which was pretty perfect. Mr SB and I had Christmas Day together which was so chilled and I feel, brought us even closer together. For someone who didn't like Christmas, I think I might have shown him the magic. And no, that is not a euphemism. 

Boxing Day, he had to endure doing the rounds of my family with O and he slotted right in. He isn't loud and opinionated like The Eel and he seems to have charmed my mother completely, so huge brownie points there! We followed this with our fake Christmas Day, just the three of us, and as we all snuggled up on the sofa, I realised just how lucky the number 13 can be.  

2013 you rocked.

The 'C' Word

No, not that ‘c’ word, although I have met a lot of them recently, the other one…the one I shy away from and avoid at all costs…commitment. Yes, the Ice Maiden has started to thaw and has *whispers* a boyfriend.

After a few months of following Alice’s advice (see Who the f**k is Alice?! ) and settling some, erm, how do I put this, long term ‘debts’, I did the textbook ‘meeting someone when you least expect it’ thing.

I haven’t told him this yet and at the time of writing, am unsure whether I will let him read my blog (he knows of its existence, which is a start), but it all started for me when we had to share a sheet of music, as there weren’t enough to go round. Yes, that old chestnut, our eyes met over a musical score. We ended up chatting one day during a rehearsal break and then messaging on Facebook.

After a while (and a serious amount of alcohol), he plucked up the courage to ask me out for a drink and I decided to go. I didn’t think anything would come of it, as I thought, ‘he’s cute, but really not my type’. Anyone who knows me will tell you I do go for a certain breed of the male species; funny, dark haired, an accent and confidence bordering on arrogance. I am used to being teased mercilessly and give as good as I get. Mr, oh what shall we call him, Mr Slow Burner (thanks Sue!) certainly has the dark hair and slight accent but is a lot quieter, romantic and less ‘in yo face’ than I am used to…and I like this. I really like this.

Anyway, after meeting up a few times, I realised I liked this guy quite a bit, more than I thought I would or wanted to for that matter, I have become quite the closed book, bar this blog…he was charming me slowly, so I eventually made my move and kissed him. :-o

My type hasn’t worked for me in the past, so I felt ready for a change, to escape the over-inflated egos of the past. Felt ready for a relationship (!) where we are both equal, I am treated with respect, made to feel like the most desired creature in the world and most importantly, am the only woman in his romantical life. No wife, no girlfriend, ninguna otra significativa.

We went away to the seaside recently and had a fabulous time – it felt relaxed, we didn’t stop laughing and when we went our separate ways to work on Monday morning, I missed him. Really missed him. I do not understand what is going on or recognise this happy version of myself!

Yesterday marked a particularly weird point in my life, where my ex, daughter and Mr SB all turned up at my work. Separately, may I add. Hashtag Awkward.

Him meeting O was a little nerve wracking but positive – not how I imagined it to be but they have met now and it felt right this time. I have introduced her to one other boyfriend a long time ago but I knew straight away that it wouldn’t work, I can’t explain it, but am sure other people reading this will identify – you just know.  

And just when I thought I had freaked out enough for the day on a personal level, Mr SB went over and introduced himself to The Eel. Eek! If he didn’t know I was with someone before, he definitely does now.

So there you have it. After being (relatively) single for almost 3 years, I am off the market. It feels weird but good weird, if that makes sense? I am not saying it’s going to be easy – I have a lot of hang-ups to get over and bad habits to curb, but I am willing to try.

I just said that out loud, didn’t I? It’s the hot weather that’s making me melt, honest. *coughs*

Epiphany

Scared.

The reason I always fall for the ‘wrong’ type (or as I like to put it, the right ones at the wrong time) is because I am scared.

Scared to fall in love again, for someone to care for me like I deserve to be cared for, scared to be left on my own again.

By ruling out the ‘nice ones’, I thus avoid commitment, plus I ultimately know I will end up hurting them.

Ever since my college days, when I really discovered boys and flirting, I have had a wicked wandering eye, like a magpie on the lookout for new shiny things to collect. I can’t help it, I love to desire and feel desired…in truth, I am like a permanently horny teenager! Here my logic is not as flawed, as at least Mr Wrong can’t complain when my head frequently turns.

By choosing the unobtainable, I know deep down they’ll never truly commit to me, even though I may so desperately want them to. I suppose in a way this enables me to avoid completely opening up, so I am not entirely exposed, always keeping something back in order to protect myself. The fear of being hurt again has made me somewhat cold and cynical, so much so that sometimes I do not even recognise the person I once was, the person who was able to fully ‘let go’.

Two fine examples of Not-so-Wrong and Not-so-Right are in my life right now and I am torn between feeling too much for either of them. I know I’d hurt the latter, which he doesn’t deserve and would fall too hard and fast for the former, if things were different.

So for now, whilst I do not trust my own heart to make an informed decision, I shall let it frost over again and rebuild my metaphorical wall. That way, I won’t be happy but at least I’ll be safe.

  

In true thespian fashion, I will leave you with the last section of "Pretty Lies", from the Boy George Musical, "Taboo", my inner monologue, if you like....

I can never let you see the girl inside  

Won't let my defences slide 

I can't let you see my tears  

A little bit of fire drives the boys away  

But maybe I might let you stay  

If you show me that your love is real  

I've been trying to be something, I'll never be  

But I'm nothing special, there's no mystery 

I've been hiding from the world, and from myself  

Wanting love so desperately, oh so desperately  

If you see all the hurt in my eyes  

Will you laugh, will you run, will you carry me 

If I tell you that I'm weak and I'm scared  

Will that seem absurd? 

I'm the loneliest girl in the world

Til next time.

 

'O' - sweet child of mine!

So, I think it’s only right that I introduce you to the leading lady in my life, my gorgeous, not-so-little ‘O’.

5 ½ going on 15.

We have the talking back, the attitude, the boyfriends (all 5 of them, one for each year of her life thus far?)…but on the flip side, we have the confident, creative, intelligent little girl, who has made her mummy so very proud.

She is one of the youngest in her year group but this has never had any effect on her learning, even when she started at school at 3 years & 4 months, in Nursery. She is particularly good at reading and the knowledge of this love of literature makes my heart almost beat out of its chest! I have lovingly kept all my Famous Five books in the hope that she gains as much pleasure and escape reading them, as I did.

Now The Eel and I have established our very separate lives, I am glad O seems to have inherited the best of both of us, even if she does look like her Daddy more. *sad face*

She is creative and studious like me but has her Dad’s confidence and self belief, something I have always lacked, but I found solace in pretending to be someone I wasn’t – performing set this shy little bird free and shall again! (Future Blog alert)

Being 5 these days is a lot different to how I remember things. For me, it was all about dance classes, dirty knees and jelly and ice cream. Part dance/drama diva, part tomboy, I loved the thrill of dance festivals and the smell of the greasepaint but equally felt at home with the boys, climbing trees and doing skids on bikes.

For O, it is about Musical Theatre class, Rainbow Guides, discos, lip gloss, nail varnish, hair styles and gadgets. I’m sure they grow up faster these days, especially now in this technical age, where they can find their way round your mobile phone, steal your DS and load films onto your Netbook with such ease.

We have a testing relationship, already there is a hell of a lot of estrogen in this household and to be honest, I fear for the sanity and the safety of our ageing cat at times. But that said, we are close and seem to become more so every day.

Over the past 6 months we have bonded over a mutual love of musical theatre. We do an amazing abridged version of “The Wizard of Oz”, where basically I play every character except for Dorothy…the flying monkeys, the Munchkins…TOTO, there really is no end to my versatility. ;-) Anyway, I digress.

O can sit in the bath and simultaneously play Mickey, Eddie and The Narrator from “Blood Brothers”, although it has to be said, she already favours the part of the Narrator, just like Mummy. No doubt she will inherit the burning desire to play the part (it’s on The List – I may bore you with my list in future). Why let being a woman stop you?!

She has an astounding knowledge of “The Witches of Eastwick”, informing me just when in the music the witches fly out over the audience - the part where mummy cried tears of joy in the Theatre Royal! There is something rather amusing about listening to her sing “Dance with the Devil”.

And as for her rendition of “Castle on a Cloud from “Les Miserables”, I defy anyone not to shed a tear when she plays Cosette in future. Which she will, obvs.

Pushy ‘Stage Mother’? Me? Ok, well maybe a little, but I only encourage her passions and talents. I want her confidence levels to soar, for her to see she can be whoever she wants to be and achieve her goals; there really is no limit – something I am reminding myself of as I begin to once again pursue my own dreams.

One day I know that with a little determination, we will both succeed and really make our mark on this world!

*jazz bloomin’ hands*

Who the f**k is Alice?!

It’s taken me a while to write this as I struggled with whether I could be so open, but here goes.

Last Autumn, I had the worst bout of depression I have ever had. So bad that I couldn’t handle things any more and knew I needed to get help. The Doctor I saw was astonishingly kind and sympathetic. Looking into his warm brown eyes, I instantly felt much better, this man actually cared.  I mentioned I was not keen on medication, so he told me he would put me forward for Counselling, as I may find this a more effective alternative in the long term.

Counselling. Even the word put me off. The image of a drab room, with wing-backed chairs and a ticking clock…a ‘sympathetic’ face looking at you, head cocked to one side…..but reluctantly, I agreed.

As I arrived at my first session, my heart was literally beating out of my chest. What would they say? Would they just expect me to talk whilst they listened? Would they suggest a way forward whilst I snivelled into a tissue? Well, my Counsellor, Alice, seemed nice enough as she opened the door and led me through to the room….but as we went through, to my horror, the room was EXACTLY as I had imagined. I wanted to run the other way screaming, but I thought this might have me sectioned, so I took a deep breath and went in.

The first session mainly consisted of me crying. It felt good to let out everything that I had been holding in since I moved out of our house almost 3 years ago. She told me this was to be expected, I had not properly dealt with the breakdown of my marriage, having launched head long into another relationship and then been very busy with the new direction my career was taking. As anticipated, she tried to link things back to my childhood, but you see, my childhood was a happy time, so she had a hard job on her hands!

Over the weeks, we have spoken a lot about my worries and things that have been covered in other blog posts that I won’t bore you with. Talking about things has made me see I shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling ‘down’ at times and that this is normal, as I have experienced a great deal of ‘loss’ as she describes it, in the past few years. Loss of friendships, family, husband and home.

On a lighter note, Alice has demanded that I ‘get out and have fun’ and also encouraged me, after a recent stint on Diazepam for my back spasms, to get myself some more of these delightful prescription drugs! I looked her with The Face (if you know me, you’ll know the one – it smacks of sarcasm and incredulity).

I told her I would be all over the Diazepam like a bad rash if I had the chance, but I could see myself getting addicted to the calm they bring me, which is something I would like to experience naturally, however long it takes me to get there.

I then launched into a monologue regarding the male species, telling her the only men I seem interested in are either with someone else, emotionally unavailable ‘Peter Pan’ types or do not see me in the same way.

Clasping her hands together (she does a lot of this combined with the head tilt), she looked me in the eye and basically told me to get out there and have promiscuous / no strings sex. I mean, who am I to argue? I certainly know who to blame if it all goes wrong!

I would really like to do this, I think I need to do this, but am not sure I can do this. You see sex for me, no matter what my initial mind set, will always involve feelings. This is usually because I know the person I have reached this stage with, I like to have people as friends first, am old fashioned like that. Maybe I need to change my outlook. Anyway, I digress.

At the last session, my slightly patronising and condescending Counsellor commented on my jumper. “Your choice of jumper today is interesting, depiction of a stag. Such a strong animal. Are you feeling strong?” I stifled a giggle. How cliché?  Also, how could I reply with “I only got up an hour ago and it was the first thing in my wardrobe I came across”?!

Joking aside though, I am feeling stronger and am actually in the best place I have been in for years.

I am ready to move on. Ready to meet new and interesting people. I crave culture, travel and fine wine….laughing til my sides hurt and kissing in the rain. 

I am ready to finally let my guard down. And, in an equally ‘Alice’ way of putting things, I am finally ready to be ME.

The Eel, Her and Divorce

So…Christmas was interesting – the first where The Eel and I have not spent any time together for the sake of O.

Just before Christmas I had the most awkward encounter so far with The Eel and Her, at O’s dance show. There was only one performance, so I sat with his mother on one side and them to the other side with Her son (A), playing happy families. Uncomfortable doesn’t even cut it. She texted me after, asking why I didn’t go back to the house for a cup of tea, so I replied, saying it would have been a little weird to say the least?!

Then Christmas came.

To fit in with their arrangements, The Eel let me have O from Christmas Eve evening to Boxing Day morning. All good until O spoke to them both on Christmas Day and said “I love you!” to her. Honestly, it was like someone had ripped out my heart. The jealousy and hatred I felt for this woman...I cannot put it into words. I’ve said before, I don’t think the relationship would bother me if I didn’t already know her and we were starting on an even footing, but I feel so guilty and selfish too for the way I feel. She genuinely must love my daughter and I need to focus on this.

The situation with The Eel’s mum has been the most hurtful of all. She had O one day over the holidays and all over the flat were photos of O and A together – the grandson I would never be able to give her.

Last weekend, she came to watch O ice skating and I thought we would all go for coffee after in the café and catch up a little….only for her to wave, rapidly say ‘goodbye’ and leave.

She never really warmed to me, as I am much like my own mum, i.e., not a stay at home ‘mumsy’ type. That’s why she gets on so well with Her and her mum, they are all pretty similar, just going through life being ‘kept', popping out kids, with no real ambition in life.

So after a lot of thought and financial juggling, and although we have been separated 3.5 years, this January I will be starting the divorce process, so that I can finally cut ties with them all as far as possible.

I want my share of the house, whether he sells or wants to buy me out and I want proper maintenance arrangements made for O as a priority, nothing more nothing less. I am going to start planning where I want to live, within reason (schooling obviously has to be considered) and start living my life as I want to, instead of ‘people pleasing’ all the time.

And believe me, other areas of my life have been pretty interesting of late….but that’s a different post entirely. ;-)