Oh Baby, Baby.....

So, it’s been a while, so thought had better blog and update you all on life!

Well, life is one of the main updates actually, as, take a seat my friends…..I am PREGNANT.

Not at all planned or expected but it would seem a little (female) life is growing inside me, due in April! I found out a few weeks after my last blog post, so you can imagine, the very thought was furthest from my mind.

I can’t say it was the easiest start for the poor thing, as I was rehearsing a rather energetic show with full on dance routines until she was 12 weeks in utero, plus coming off my antidepressants was a struggle. I didn’t feel able to process the information and deal with all the chemicals, leaving and entering my body.

Thankfully things have levelled out a little, but I am still coming to terms with things, trying to accept I am having another child, even with its relentless booting of my belly button!!

O is delighted to be finally becoming a big sister and is thankful it is not boy (LOLZ), although they can never be 100% sure at scans, so better not buy too much girlie shizzle, eh?

The other big development is with The Eel and Her.

It is over.

Well, that came as quite a shock and after briefly speaking with The Eel, it seems there is no way back. I actually feel rather sad for him, especially given my news. I also feel for O, as she will no doubt not see much of Her and A, her son, whom she had started to think of as a brother. Another Dad and child she has left…how many more hearts will she break?!

So there you have it my friends. A short update on life within The Shoes camp…..fasten your seat belts, the ride may just get bumpy. ;-)

Stop, look and listen....

Depression. DEPRESSION.

Yes, no longer the whispered word, coupled with a patronising look, a word you can shout and be heard.

It is poignant perhaps, that is has taken the loss of a star who has made us laugh and cry for decades, to get people talking about the subject and listening, really listening. It just goes to show that depression has no limits, it can affect anyone at any time, regardless of social and material status. It is not something you can ‘snap out of’ or ‘cheer up’ – you can appear the happiest person on the planet, making everyone around you laugh…the ‘people’s clown’. Sadly though, this is only to disguise the hell lurking inside, festering away, rotten to the core.

I suffered for years like this, unbeknown to friends and family, and can honestly say I do not remember a time when I didn’t feel this way. No matter how well my life appears to be going, I still suffer from an underlying sadness, a sense that something is missing, overwhelming thoughts of self-loathing and a lack of confidence. Continuously painting over the cracks.

As you know, I have been through counselling and I now feel ready to admit I have been on medication for the past five months, which is slowly helping me manage my condition and see things more clearly. A sense of purpose and calm is starting to emerge and I think those close to me can see this.

Since posting something recently on social media, I have been staggered to discover just how many people I know actually suffer from this debilitating illness, most have come as a shock, as their exterior portrayal couldn’t be any further from the truth! It has enabled me to have the confidence to discuss my experiences openly, without fear or prejudice – a refreshing and cathartic change. I have now accepted that this is part of my makeup but can be managed and monitored to good effect.

They say talking is the best natural therapy, so take time to observe those around you, pick up on any signs and offer to listen, it may be just the lifeline they need. Hopefully this is the end of the taboo, the start of change and finally acceptance of mental illness in everyday society.

Thank you for reading.