So…Christmas
was interesting – the first where The Eel and I have not spent any time
together for the sake of O.
Just before Christmas I had the most awkward encounter so far with The Eel and Her, at O’s dance show. There was only one performance, so I sat with his mother on one side and them to the other side with Her son (A), playing happy families. Uncomfortable doesn’t even cut it. She texted me after, asking why I didn’t go back to the house for a cup of tea, so I replied, saying it would have been a little weird to say the least?!
Then
Christmas came.
To fit in
with their arrangements, The Eel let me have O from Christmas Eve evening to
Boxing Day morning. All good until O spoke to them both on Christmas Day and
said “I love you!” to her. Honestly, it was like someone had ripped out my
heart. The jealousy and hatred I felt for this woman...I cannot put it into
words. I’ve said before, I don’t think the relationship would bother me if I
didn’t already know her and we were starting on an even footing, but I feel so
guilty and selfish too for the way I feel. She genuinely must love my daughter
and I need to focus on this.
The
situation with The Eel’s mum has been the most hurtful of all. She had O one
day over the holidays and all over the flat were photos of O and A together –
the grandson I would never be able to give her.
Last
weekend, she came to watch O ice skating and I thought we would all go for
coffee after in the café and catch up a little….only for her to wave, rapidly
say ‘goodbye’ and leave.
She never
really warmed to me, as I am much like my own mum, i.e., not a stay at home ‘mumsy’
type. That’s why she gets on so well with Her and her mum, they are all pretty
similar, just going through life being ‘kept', popping out kids, with no real
ambition in life.
So after a
lot of thought and financial juggling, and although we have been separated 3.5
years, this January I will be starting the divorce process, so that I can
finally cut ties with them all as far as possible.
I want my share of the house, whether he sells or wants to
buy me out and I want proper maintenance arrangements made for O as a priority,
nothing more nothing less. I am going to start planning where I want to live,
within reason (schooling obviously has to be considered) and start living my
life as I want to, instead of ‘people pleasing’ all the time.
And believe
me, other areas of my life have been pretty interesting of late….but that’s a
different post entirely. ;-)
