Oh Baby, Baby.....

So, it’s been a while, so thought had better blog and update you all on life!

Well, life is one of the main updates actually, as, take a seat my friends…..I am PREGNANT.

Not at all planned or expected but it would seem a little (female) life is growing inside me, due in April! I found out a few weeks after my last blog post, so you can imagine, the very thought was furthest from my mind.

I can’t say it was the easiest start for the poor thing, as I was rehearsing a rather energetic show with full on dance routines until she was 12 weeks in utero, plus coming off my antidepressants was a struggle. I didn’t feel able to process the information and deal with all the chemicals, leaving and entering my body.

Thankfully things have levelled out a little, but I am still coming to terms with things, trying to accept I am having another child, even with its relentless booting of my belly button!!

O is delighted to be finally becoming a big sister and is thankful it is not boy (LOLZ), although they can never be 100% sure at scans, so better not buy too much girlie shizzle, eh?

The other big development is with The Eel and Her.

It is over.

Well, that came as quite a shock and after briefly speaking with The Eel, it seems there is no way back. I actually feel rather sad for him, especially given my news. I also feel for O, as she will no doubt not see much of Her and A, her son, whom she had started to think of as a brother. Another Dad and child she has left…how many more hearts will she break?!

So there you have it my friends. A short update on life within The Shoes camp…..fasten your seat belts, the ride may just get bumpy. ;-)

Stop, look and listen....

Depression. DEPRESSION.

Yes, no longer the whispered word, coupled with a patronising look, a word you can shout and be heard.

It is poignant perhaps, that is has taken the loss of a star who has made us laugh and cry for decades, to get people talking about the subject and listening, really listening. It just goes to show that depression has no limits, it can affect anyone at any time, regardless of social and material status. It is not something you can ‘snap out of’ or ‘cheer up’ – you can appear the happiest person on the planet, making everyone around you laugh…the ‘people’s clown’. Sadly though, this is only to disguise the hell lurking inside, festering away, rotten to the core.

I suffered for years like this, unbeknown to friends and family, and can honestly say I do not remember a time when I didn’t feel this way. No matter how well my life appears to be going, I still suffer from an underlying sadness, a sense that something is missing, overwhelming thoughts of self-loathing and a lack of confidence. Continuously painting over the cracks.

As you know, I have been through counselling and I now feel ready to admit I have been on medication for the past five months, which is slowly helping me manage my condition and see things more clearly. A sense of purpose and calm is starting to emerge and I think those close to me can see this.

Since posting something recently on social media, I have been staggered to discover just how many people I know actually suffer from this debilitating illness, most have come as a shock, as their exterior portrayal couldn’t be any further from the truth! It has enabled me to have the confidence to discuss my experiences openly, without fear or prejudice – a refreshing and cathartic change. I have now accepted that this is part of my makeup but can be managed and monitored to good effect.

They say talking is the best natural therapy, so take time to observe those around you, pick up on any signs and offer to listen, it may be just the lifeline they need. Hopefully this is the end of the taboo, the start of change and finally acceptance of mental illness in everyday society.

Thank you for reading.

You've come a long way, baby....

Failure. Not the usual word that I would associate with myself, but that’s how I recently felt.

So let’s back track a little and I can explain…

As the new school year started, I felt the need for change. My baby was going into Year 2 and I had hit a kind of stalemate in my job in Events Management, where I had been for 5.5 years. Since I started there I had always been part time…almost full time but not quite, and I thought I was ready for a new challenge. Full time.

I applied for a few roles and eventually got offered a position at a country retreat, working for a big hotel chain. Sounds great but in reality, the biggest mistake I have ever made. The place was somewhat akin to a cult, everyone conditioned with this weird kind of branding and company ethos, turning them into a zombie flock of promotional sheep.

After 6 weeks I noticed a huge change in myself. I was short tempered and angry and I was taking that out on the two people closest to me.  I felt a rubbish mother, as I hardly got to see O and had to miss out on things because of the amount of hours I had to work. I couldn’t even pick her up from after school club, as I would still be working, which broke my heart. I also felt a rubbish girlfriend, with both of us frequently in tears.

I had initially thought this would be good for all of us – I would move on to a new era in my career and at last be part of a company where I could learn and grow, but this wasn’t the case. So I made a decision, a hard decision…to put my family first.

Since making the decision, I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have never felt as unwelcome in a job in my life and will not miss the frosty reception and rolling of eyes when I make a mistake one little bit.

I waved goodbye (read, made a hasty exit!) just before Christmas and will this week be happily moving back to my old workplace, but this time in a different position – I will be working less hours than now and earning less money, but I will be working with a lot of people I have built up professional relationships with, so shall have a head start with my new venture!

The last 6 weeks have certainly been a learning curve but I have realised O will only be little once. I want to enjoy a healthy work/life balance, enjoy being a mother and enjoy life in general once more.

I have a wonderful daughter, an amazing boyfriend and now a fantastic opportunity to look forward to you. Compared to this time last year, life is now pretty much the opposite and I feel blessed.

I wish you all a happy new year. xx

Lucky number 13

Hey readers, how are you all? It’s been a while hasn’t it? I feel I should provide you with an update since my last blog in the summer………

Well, I am still with Mr Slow Burner and not only that, we are in love AND now live together. I know. I. KNOW. Me?! I am still pinching myself, believe me.

I am so glad I gave him a chance, as he is the best thing to have ever happened to me, O aside and I feel, as cheesy as it sounds, that I have been waiting for him. We have a mutual love of performing and the arts, which is how we met, so I feel this only helps to strengthen the bond between us.

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t all been plain sailing. Moving in together was hard, but only because we are adjusting to life as a little family. O has been testing, but has taken to him more than I could ever have hoped, which of course, is a huge relief.  

We have just spent our first Christmas together, which was pretty perfect. Mr SB and I had Christmas Day together which was so chilled and I feel, brought us even closer together. For someone who didn't like Christmas, I think I might have shown him the magic. And no, that is not a euphemism. 

Boxing Day, he had to endure doing the rounds of my family with O and he slotted right in. He isn't loud and opinionated like The Eel and he seems to have charmed my mother completely, so huge brownie points there! We followed this with our fake Christmas Day, just the three of us, and as we all snuggled up on the sofa, I realised just how lucky the number 13 can be.  

2013 you rocked.

The 'C' Word

No, not that ‘c’ word, although I have met a lot of them recently, the other one…the one I shy away from and avoid at all costs…commitment. Yes, the Ice Maiden has started to thaw and has *whispers* a boyfriend.

After a few months of following Alice’s advice (see Who the f**k is Alice?! ) and settling some, erm, how do I put this, long term ‘debts’, I did the textbook ‘meeting someone when you least expect it’ thing.

I haven’t told him this yet and at the time of writing, am unsure whether I will let him read my blog (he knows of its existence, which is a start), but it all started for me when we had to share a sheet of music, as there weren’t enough to go round. Yes, that old chestnut, our eyes met over a musical score. We ended up chatting one day during a rehearsal break and then messaging on Facebook.

After a while (and a serious amount of alcohol), he plucked up the courage to ask me out for a drink and I decided to go. I didn’t think anything would come of it, as I thought, ‘he’s cute, but really not my type’. Anyone who knows me will tell you I do go for a certain breed of the male species; funny, dark haired, an accent and confidence bordering on arrogance. I am used to being teased mercilessly and give as good as I get. Mr, oh what shall we call him, Mr Slow Burner (thanks Sue!) certainly has the dark hair and slight accent but is a lot quieter, romantic and less ‘in yo face’ than I am used to…and I like this. I really like this.

Anyway, after meeting up a few times, I realised I liked this guy quite a bit, more than I thought I would or wanted to for that matter, I have become quite the closed book, bar this blog…he was charming me slowly, so I eventually made my move and kissed him. :-o

My type hasn’t worked for me in the past, so I felt ready for a change, to escape the over-inflated egos of the past. Felt ready for a relationship (!) where we are both equal, I am treated with respect, made to feel like the most desired creature in the world and most importantly, am the only woman in his romantical life. No wife, no girlfriend, ninguna otra significativa.

We went away to the seaside recently and had a fabulous time – it felt relaxed, we didn’t stop laughing and when we went our separate ways to work on Monday morning, I missed him. Really missed him. I do not understand what is going on or recognise this happy version of myself!

Yesterday marked a particularly weird point in my life, where my ex, daughter and Mr SB all turned up at my work. Separately, may I add. Hashtag Awkward.

Him meeting O was a little nerve wracking but positive – not how I imagined it to be but they have met now and it felt right this time. I have introduced her to one other boyfriend a long time ago but I knew straight away that it wouldn’t work, I can’t explain it, but am sure other people reading this will identify – you just know.  

And just when I thought I had freaked out enough for the day on a personal level, Mr SB went over and introduced himself to The Eel. Eek! If he didn’t know I was with someone before, he definitely does now.

So there you have it. After being (relatively) single for almost 3 years, I am off the market. It feels weird but good weird, if that makes sense? I am not saying it’s going to be easy – I have a lot of hang-ups to get over and bad habits to curb, but I am willing to try.

I just said that out loud, didn’t I? It’s the hot weather that’s making me melt, honest. *coughs*

Epiphany

Scared.

The reason I always fall for the ‘wrong’ type (or as I like to put it, the right ones at the wrong time) is because I am scared.

Scared to fall in love again, for someone to care for me like I deserve to be cared for, scared to be left on my own again.

By ruling out the ‘nice ones’, I thus avoid commitment, plus I ultimately know I will end up hurting them.

Ever since my college days, when I really discovered boys and flirting, I have had a wicked wandering eye, like a magpie on the lookout for new shiny things to collect. I can’t help it, I love to desire and feel desired…in truth, I am like a permanently horny teenager! Here my logic is not as flawed, as at least Mr Wrong can’t complain when my head frequently turns.

By choosing the unobtainable, I know deep down they’ll never truly commit to me, even though I may so desperately want them to. I suppose in a way this enables me to avoid completely opening up, so I am not entirely exposed, always keeping something back in order to protect myself. The fear of being hurt again has made me somewhat cold and cynical, so much so that sometimes I do not even recognise the person I once was, the person who was able to fully ‘let go’.

Two fine examples of Not-so-Wrong and Not-so-Right are in my life right now and I am torn between feeling too much for either of them. I know I’d hurt the latter, which he doesn’t deserve and would fall too hard and fast for the former, if things were different.

So for now, whilst I do not trust my own heart to make an informed decision, I shall let it frost over again and rebuild my metaphorical wall. That way, I won’t be happy but at least I’ll be safe.

  

In true thespian fashion, I will leave you with the last section of "Pretty Lies", from the Boy George Musical, "Taboo", my inner monologue, if you like....

I can never let you see the girl inside  

Won't let my defences slide 

I can't let you see my tears  

A little bit of fire drives the boys away  

But maybe I might let you stay  

If you show me that your love is real  

I've been trying to be something, I'll never be  

But I'm nothing special, there's no mystery 

I've been hiding from the world, and from myself  

Wanting love so desperately, oh so desperately  

If you see all the hurt in my eyes  

Will you laugh, will you run, will you carry me 

If I tell you that I'm weak and I'm scared  

Will that seem absurd? 

I'm the loneliest girl in the world

Til next time.